Short story – Clitonia and Lil Dicky
“This is ridiculous,” Willa grumbled, looking up at the building in front of us. “We’ve had the sex talk like five times with our parents. And we’ve both had unrestricted access to the internet since forever,” she added.
Eighteen and full of opinions, but with absolutely no experience. I know. I asked. In my humble opinion, it was the duty of a best friend to make sure they could talk to you about things like sex. Even if it got weird.
Meanwhile, I was genuinely curious.
Because things with my long-term boyfriend and me were barreling headfirst toward something serious physically.
And while all our talks with my mom absolutely covered the basics, it was still Mom, y’know? There were some things you didn’t want to ask your mom or hear from your mom, no matter how close you were. And thanks to all the fake nonsense to be found online, I wanted to make sure I got my information from a reliable source.
Enter our aunts.
Not by relation, but family nonetheless.
Who owned the store right in front of us.
With what looked like a giant penis sculpture inside the front door. And a giant flower.
Yeah, that was not a flower.
Maybe Willa had a point. This could be incredibly awkward too.
I mean my cheeks felt a little red just standing out front a place called Phallus-opy.
“We have to do it. Our moms told us it’s something they want for us before we go off to college,” I said, shrugging.
“Okay then,” she said, linking her arm with mine. “We will get through it. Besides, Aunt Autumn has always been really chill. It won’t be that bad. Speaking of,” she said, nodding toward the pretty blonde making her way toward us through the store.
“Don’t come in the front door,” she told us, turning, locking the door. “You both look like you’re still sixteen years old, and I don’t want anyone thinking I let underage girls in a sex store. Oh, the scandal!” she said, clutching her invisible pearls while fanning herself. “Okay. So, we ready for a little talk?”
“As ready as we are going to be,” Willa said, giving her a firm nod, ever the serious student, taking more after her high-achieving mother. Me, I was all my father. Light and easy and always after a good time.
“It won’t be so bad,” Aunt Autumn assured us, giving us a warm smile. “How are Amelia and Shoot?” she asked, looking at me.
“They’re good. You’re saving me from having to have this talk with them again,” I told her as she led us down the side of the building.
“While I fully believe it is important to be able to talk about sex with at least one of your parents, as a former teenager, I totally get that,” she said. “Willa, how are Elsie and Paine?” she asked, pulling a door open.
“They’re good,” Willa said, smiling.
“Great. Are you guys ready?” she asked, waving us inside.
The room was set up somewhat like a classroom since the store did host classes on various sex topics. Including the talk. Like we were having.
There was a big whiteboard on the far wall with a desk in front of it as well as four long tables with chairs for the ‘students’ to sit.
The male and female anatomy posters were expected.
Our Aunt Peyton sitting at the front desk with her mermaid hair pulled up, glasses perched low on her nose, and a sexy cami under a tight jacket that gave her a sexy teacher vibe, who was making unnerving eye-contact with us and pushing her hand down on the plunger of a giant pump bottle of lube.
Yeah, that wasn’t expected.
A laugh bubbled up and burst out, wiping away all the anxiety I might have felt building, worried this might be as awkward as it had felt with my Mom all the times we’d talked in the past.
“Peyton,” Autumn hissed, shaking her head. “We agreed that if you were going to be here, you were just going to sit there quietly.”
“I am sitting here quietly. While showing the girls how easily and shamelessly one can use lube for fun sexy times. Safe sexy times,” she added when her sister gave her big eyes.
“You haven’t even said hi to them yet. You can’t start the sex talk with lube.”
“Well, no. We have to cover the fingering and hand-jobs first, don’t we?” she asked, shooting Autumn a saccharine smile. “Hi Willa, hi Alexis. Welcome to Sex-Ed featuring an expert. And her sister who happens to own a sex store.”
“You’re right,” Willa said to me, voice low. “This is going to be way better than a parent sex talk again.”
“Sit right down, dear children,” Peyton said, rising from her seat, waving out what looked like a cane. You know… for BDSM stuff. “We are here to discuss the wild and wonderful world of Clitonia,” she went on, ducking down into a bag I had missed on the floor, pulling up a giant vulva statue with a stand and sticking it on top of the desk, “and Lil Dicky,” she added, reaching into the bag, coming back with a somewhat small flesh-colored dildo, placing it next to Clitonia.
“You brought props?” Autumn groaned. “This is my class, Peyt.”
“I know. But your penis pictures are sad. And, what, are you going to make them put condoms on bananas? Bananas are nothing like cocks—penises,” she added, looking over at us, trying to hold in a smile. “I have the other boys in the bag too. But I thought, Lil Dicky is the least threatening of them, so we can start with him. But Clitonia has a non-monogamous relationship with all these fine cock—penises. Can we all agree the word ‘penis’ is ridiculous?”
“It’s the appropriate term.”
“If you’re a sixth-grade gym teacher,” Peyton shot back. “Anyway. Clitonia is a free woman with a large sexual appetite and one Lil Dicky just isn’t going to cut it. So she has a whole crew of fine male specimens of varying shapes and sizes and cuts.”
“Cuts?” Willa asked, making me press my lips together to keep from laughing at the very innocent question.
“I’m so glad you asked!” Peyton declared, making her sister whimper when she went back into her bag of tricks, coming out with two more dildos, making her way over toward us, and squatting down to our level as she stuck the suction cup dildos to the surface of the table, making them bobble around a bit. It took everything I had not to laugh. “Meet Alejandro who hails from Spain where they don’t practice the custom of circumcision as much as we do over here in the States,” Peyton declared, motioning to the foreskin. “And this here is Big Mike,” she said, pointing to the rather massive dildo. “He has been circumcised. And up close like this, you can really see the difference. In your sexcapades sure to come in your college years, you may cross paths with both these sorts of men. I think it’s important to see this,” she added.”Because the first time I saw an uncircumcised one, it was, yeah, it was a bit of a shock.”
“And by shock, she means she got up, ran to the bathroom, and called me to ask about it,” Autumn said, smiling at the memory. “In her defense, she was sixteen, and we had very conservative parents who didn’t believe in talking to us about these kinds of things. But she’s right. It’s good to see. We are going to show you all sorts of vulvas too. It’s important to know that all bodies are good bodies. All vulvas are good vulvas.”
“And all Alejandros are good Alejandros,” Peyton agreed, patting the head of the dildo in question, making it bob around yet again. This time, I couldn’t help it, the laugh burst out.
“Normally,” Autumn said, voice a little firm, “we have a bit more structure to the discussion than this, girls,” she told us, apologetic, but clearly amused by her crazy sister’s rantings. “Peyt, if you can unstick Alejandro and Big Mike, I’d like to get started. In order,” she added more pointedly.
“Fine, fine. But I reserve the right to butt in at any point with my very wise and hard-learned information,” Peyton told her sister, sticking a fingernail under the suction of Big Mike, and it made this horrendous sucking noise as she pulled him up. “Don’t be scared of Big Mike,” she told us, waving him around before tucking him under her arm so she could unstick Alejandro. “Your lady cave is very stretchy.”
“What? It’s true. They know that. Baby bodies come out of them.”
“Okay,” Autumn declared, taking a deep breath, trying to find her calm as Peyton moved behind the desk, lining up all her dildos along the side of the desk before sitting beside them as prim and proper as a lady at church.
She let her sister start her preamble, something Autumn had clearly thought out long and hard, and likely given to many girls like us over the years. It was both technical and accessible, covering all the basics about the organs—in case we needed a brush up because, apparently, there was a whole world of women who didn’t even know they had three holes down there—as well as various forms of birth control along with their effectiveness.
“Even if you’re on the pilly, you need to wrap the willy,” Peyton piped in at one point, making Autumn snort.
“She has a point, obviously,” she conceded. “Most forms of birth control do not prevent STDs. So you will need to use both.”
“And if a guy tries to tell you it won’t fit, he’s lying. I can demonstrate,” she added, reaching for her purse, digging inside to produce a condom foil.
“I really don’t think that will be necessary,” Autumn said, trying to find patience.
“Really, it’s no problem. I just have to take my hair down.”
“Why on Earth do you need to take your hair down?” Autumn asked.
“To fit the condom over my head, duh,” Peyton said, giving her sister raised brows.
“Oh good God. No. It’s okay. I’m sure they can visualize that. Right girls?”
I, for one, would have found the actual image something priceless.
But Lex spoke up, agreeing.
“Alright. Good. Moving on,” Autumn said, moving onto the nitty gritty.
Starting, as her sister had mentioned earlier, with fingering and hand-jobs and dry-rubbing because they were all ‘safe’ and ‘100% guaranteed not to get you pregnant.’
My boyfriend and I had been there already.
We’d done just about everything but the actual deed itself. And I honestly couldn’t tell you why I was dragging my feet about that. Almost everyone else I knew had done it well over a year ago. And he wanted it. I knew I was supposed to want it. But it just didn’t feel like the time yet.
“Alright, Willa, come over here with me for a minute,” Autumn demanded, leading Willa out of the room so they could have a private talk in case Alexis had any questions she didn’t want to bring up in front of anyone else.
“Okay. So what’s his name?” Peyton asked, putting her elbows on the desk, framing her face with her hands.
“Michael,” I told her, smiling.
“Oh, well,” she said, looking over at the dildos, petting Big Mike on the head. “Don’t compare him to this Mike here. Are you guys doing it yet?”
“No,” I admitted, finding my Aunt Peyton possibly the easiest to talk with about it since she made sex less serious than everyone else did.
“I don’t know,” I admitted, feeling like a weight was lifting from my shoulders to say that to someone. I didn’t even say it to my best friends. “I just… it doesn’t feel right yet.”
“Then guess what?” she asked.
“It isn’t right,” she told me, shrugging like it was the most rational conclusion.
“But I need more of a reason than that,” I insisted.
“No, you actually don’t. If it doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t right. And if someone doesn’t respect that, then they can see themselves to the fucking door, right?”
“I love him.”
“I bet you do. But if he loves you back, he won’t push you. And if he does, then you need to be able to love yourself more than him, and walk away. I know I have been joking around a lot. But sex is a big deal. And you don’t want to regret your first time.
“Do you regret your first time?”
“Regret is a funny word. A tricky one, too. No, I don’t regret it. But now that I’m with someone I love a lot, I can see that maybe it would have been nice to know that first guy’s full name at least,” she admitted, shrugging. “I’m not telling you that sex is only good when you love someone. That’s bullshit. Sex can be amazing with a complete stranger. But I have always felt ready for it. I have always known I wanted it. That’s the difference. Until you feel that way, I would encourage you to wait.”
“What am I supposed to say to Michael about it, though?” I’d already told him I wasn’t sure.
“Have you told him about being unsure?”
“And he said?”
“How can you know if you’re sure if you haven’t done it?”
“Oh, so he’s an asshole,” Peyton concluded. “What’s his address?” she asked, reaching into her purse for a pad and pen.
“So Suga Suga can go visit him. Have a nice, friendly talk about boundaries and respect.”
Sugar, Peyton’s man, was a biker. Of the one-percent variety. I was pretty sure Michael would pee himself if Sugar rolled up to his house.
“He’s not an asshole. I think he’s just ready. and I’m just not. And it sucks for both of us.”
“Okay,” she said, taking a calming breath. “Okay. He’s not an asshole. He’s an eighteen-year-old kid with too many hormones and likely too much porn consumption. But, really, this isn’t even about Michael. This is about you. And what you feel comfortable with. And what you know is right for your body and your mind. That is all that matters. I know that sounds harsh and selfish and I know young infatuation can be all-consuming. But you need to put yourself first. Always. At least when you’re young. And especially about the big things like this.”
“And if he says he doesn’t want to wait?”
“Then good riddance,” she said. “Look. You’re eighteen. Where are you planning to go to college? Where is he? Do you really think you will be able to maintain a long-distance relationship then?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “Especially since we both were dead-set on colleges on different coasts. Hell, I wanted to study abroad too.”
“And do you think that, if you did this, and you both went off to different colleges, and it ended, that you would end up having regrets?”
“Honestly? I think I would.” I was willing to make the sacrifice of diving headfirst into sex even when I wasn’t ready if I thought it would lead to our happily-ever-after. But the more I thought about that, the more unlikely it seemed to happen.
“Then that’s your answer, right?”
“And if he dumps me?”
“Then you come with your Aunt Peyton and we will get ice cream, watch slasher movies, and talk about all your awesome plans to see the world. And maybe fall madly in love with an actual, real-life Alejandro who you will be one-hundred percent certain about sleeping with, and will treasure the memory for the rest of your life.”
“Alright. We’re back,” Autumn said, leading a slightly pink-cheeked Willa back in, making me wonder what she had wanted to ask our aunt that she had been afraid to ask me, my heart aching a little that she felt there were any boundaries like that between us, even if a part of me understood. “I think we have pretty much covered it all…”
“What?” Peyton exclaimed, hopping out of her chair. “No we certainly have not. What about kinky stuff? Or butt stuff? Or tantric sex?”
“I think tantra might be a little advanced for them, Peyt.”
“Multiple orgasms for both parties is not too advanced for anyone.”
“How can guys have multiple orgasms?” Willa asked, surprising me.
“Well, see, lovely, lovely girl,” Peyton said, beaming. “It is the same feeling. Without the mess. But you know what? Autumn is probably right. Chances of guys your age having that kind of control are slim to none. Come back to us when you’re married and things have gotten a little dull in the bedroom. We have some stuff to share. But I stand my ground about butt stuff,” Peyton told her sister, giving her a nod as she crossed her arm.
To that, Autumn sighed. “Alright. I concede.”
“And we didn’t even talk about lady-on-lady stuff. We have to be inclusive.”
“Alright. We can do that too.”
“And self-love. Self-love of the B.O.B kind? That’s maybe the most important of all. And then we have to go into the store to let them compile their own goodie bags of said buzzing boyfriends.”
And so, we talked about butt stuff. And same-sex sex. And self-pleasure.
I half paid attention as my mind started to wander. To a foreign country. To foreign foods and foreign sights.
And as I sat there, I began to fall a little bit more in love with the idea of Alejandro than the actual Michael.
And that told me all I needed to know, didn’t it?
There would be time for serious boyfriends and sex in the future.
And when the time came, I had more than enough knowledge to guide me.
Michael and I broke up two days later.
And instead of crying myself to sleep, I laughed until my belly hurt remembering the sex class, and coming back from a quick trip to the bathroom to find Aunt Autumn trying to help Aunt Peyton out of a condom she had slipped onto her head after all.
Some day, I wanted to be half as badass as she was.
And to do that, I knew I needed to do what she told me to.
Put myself first.
Pursue my dreams and desires.
Maybe I would meet my very own Alejandro one day…
©Jessica Gadziala, 2020